i hope i never have this dream...

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Colin, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.

The mysterious Man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter'.

Colin was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away'.

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Colin, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.

'Never' replies Colin

'Well just relax and let it happen'

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting -

'Colin, wake up you drunken idiot, you're sh*tting in bed.'

confoosing confucious...

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
Bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tyred.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
Pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right
war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse
soon find him in Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
Toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
Church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

clarity...thy name is...

...顺子 (shun zi or shunza)...one of the truly awesome voices on the taiwan music scene...astonishing range akin to mariah and crystal-clear intonations...utterly awesome control over her voice...

this song is 回家 (COME HOME)...hope you like it as much as i do

belated though it may be...

...here's a toast to JBJ. he might not have been one of my favourite characters, but i have the utmost respect for his passion, courage and unfailing will to champion those he felt were oppressed...he was the first among equals in the ranks of the opposition...well and truly a giant among men...

RIP, ben. go easy to your rest.

reproduced below, an obituary from the guardian, UK.



Joshua "Ben" Jeyaretnam, who has died aged 82, was for many years Singapore's only political opposition, standing courageously for universal values of fairness and free speech against Lee Kuan Yew's "Asian values" of hierarchical order, public submissiveness and government by the fittest - that is himself, his son and his People's Action party (PAP). Jeyaretnam, as leader of the Workers' party, was regularly persecuted, briefly imprisoned and ultimately bankrupted by colonial libel and contempt laws, but he continued his struggle to make Singapore a more open society.

Born into an Anglican family of Christian-Tamil descent in then Ceylon (now Sri Lanka), he was educated at St Andrew's school, Singapore, during the Japanese occupation and won, via a correspondence course, a place to study law at University College London. There, a lecture by Nye Bevan inspired his early socialist beliefs. They were put on hold while he developed a successful legal practice back in Singapore, where he became increasingly angered by the PAP government's attacks on trade unions. So in 1971 he made his political move, joining the Workers' party, which was at that time moribund through lack of effective leadership.

His first electoral attempts failed, but his mild criticisms of the government, delivered in a deep and booming voice from the hustings, infuriated Lee Kuan Yew, who in 1978 attempted to crush him with a libel case. In court, with the help of his wife, dying of cancer, and of John Mortimer QC acting pro bono, Ben survived, albeit much poorer from the libel damages, to fight another day. That day came in 1981, when the electors of the constituency of Anson stood up to PAP threats to cut their public utilities and elected Ben as Singapore's first opposition MP.

This victory was the trigger for a long-running campaign to diminish and then destroy him. He was forced to pay the Kuan Yews and other PAP grandees for criticisms that would scarcely raise eyebrows in real democracies, and was fined for contempt of parliament for making allegations of the kind commonly made by MPs in other countries: he estimated he had paid out more than 1.6m Singapore dollars in damages and costs. His bankruptcies disqualified him for several periods from parliament and no shops would stock his books: he was forced to sell them on street corners.

Ironically, it was the PAP government's obsession with destroying - rather than merely defeating - its opponents which led it to overplay its hand. Not content with having him convicted, bankrupted, and expelled from parliament, its obsession with humiliating him led it in 1987 to take away his right to practise law. But it failed to notice an obscure clause in the Legal Practitioners Act, which permitted an appeal by a debarred solicitor to the privy council in London.

It was there that the whole trumped-up series of charges against Ben unravelled. The English law lords reviewed the case and voiced a devastating condemnation of the Singapore judges who had handled it, expressing "deep disquiet that by a series of misjudgments" Ben and his co-accused had suffered a grievous injustice.

The Singapore government responded by abolishing all appeals to the privy council, and still adamantly refuses to sign any human rights treaty which would permit any more decisions of its courts to be appealed to an international tribunal. But the privy council judgment in Jeyaretnam's case still resounds, as a warning to other judges tempted to fail in their task of standing up for the subject against the state.

For the last 40 years, Ben pointed out Singapore's democratic deficit. His speeches were not properly reported in the Straits Times, and any foreign newspaper that interviewed him risked having its circulation cut to 400 copies and sold only in tourist hotels. His voice was loudest in 1988 when Lee and son (the latter as home affairs minister) detained for two years without trial 20 young Catholic youth workers, lawyers and playwrights accused of participation in a "Marxist plot".

They were tortured by use of what Lee junior (now Singapore's prime minister) described as "psychological pressure" to extract confessions - dressed in cotton pyjamas, they were blasted for hours with freezing cold air conditioners. With organisations such as Amnesty banned from Singapore, Ben's voice was important in exposing the cruelty of their treatment.

Ben felt that many western criticisms of Singapore were misplaced. They focused on laws against jay-walking, urinating in public and dropping chewing gum wrappers. The real concern was that the PAP had turned the city state into an ersatz democracy by suppressing well-intentioned dissent, and even the reporting of such dissent, in order to maintain its monopoly of power. His views were set out in a book in 2003 by Chris Lydgate that serves as his biography: Lee's Law - How Singapore Crushes Dissent.

Ben was never in any realistic sense Lee's rival for national leadership. With his tailored waistcoat, watch chain and mutton-chop whiskers, he looked the model of a Gladstonian Liberal, but voters who wanted their monorails to run on time preferred PAP precision to the shambolic Workers' party. Nonetheless, the persecution he stoically suffered gave his life a significance it would not otherwise have had.

The PAP, which has ruled Singapore since 1965, still holds 82 of the 84 elected seats in parliament. Ben lost his seat in 2001, bankrupt again because he could not pay another $367,000 libel judgment to Lee and son.

However, on emerging from bankruptcy earlier this year, he helped to form the Reform party and announced that he would once again stand for parliament, in an attempt to give Singapore "rights that are most essential to our well-being: the right to speak up freely, the right to tell the government that the way things are going is wrong".

Ben's wife, Margaret, whom he met when studying law in London, died in 1980. He is survived by two sons, Kenneth, an economist, and Philip, a poet and president of the Law Society of Singapore. The privy council's recommendation that the Singapore government make amends for his wrongful conviction has, of course, been ignored.

A future generation will understand that Ben deserves not only to be pardoned, but to be honoured.

• Joshua Benjamin Jeyaretnam, lawyer and politician, born January 5 1926; died September 30 2008

excuse me, have you seen my 20000 cows?

hilarious! how the hell could they have LOST something as big as a cow? let alone 20000 of them?

Government officials have been forced to admit that they have lost more than 20,000 cows in Britain, the latest in a series of lost property blunders to hit Whitehall.

In a situation described as udder chaos, officials at the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) admitted in Parliamentary questions that 20,979 of the animals had been mislaid.

The livestock should have been logged on Defra's Cattle Tracing System, devised to protect public and animal health after the BSE and foot and mouth epidemics. However the cattle have disappeared from the system, while another 1039 are believed to have been loaded onto cattle trucks and never heard of again.

Jonathan Shaw, Defra minister, was forced to admit the embarrassing blunder in response to a Parliamentary question. Peter Ainsworth, the Shadow Environment secretary, said he was astonished at the loss. "Laptops, data, and now cows, is there anything this Government can not misplace?" he said. "Defra's performance would do credit to Little Bo Peep."

article HERE.

such a cruel sabotage!

...or were they just plain stupid??? whatever the case may be, poor chaps lah...

Two Indonesian job seekers have been fooled into having their faces tattooed in order to receive non-existent government jobs.

The pair had their faces permanently inked after village chief Sawiyono told them he had received a text message from a government official offering them work as Jakarta intelligence officers.

The official, who said it was a job requirement to have their faces tattooed with dragons, was later discovered to be a hoaxer — but not before Nanang, 30, and Bambang, 40, had already undergone the painful and disfiguring procedure.

The three men believe the anonymous trickster was a kind of "mystic", as they didn't feel in control of their actions when following his strange instructions. "I was half conscious when the shop owner tattooed my face, and didn't think it was a con," victim Bambang said. "I just realized it was a con on Friday night. I was shocked and I cried."

A horrified Sawiyono realised he had been tricked when double-checking the bizarre request with a legitimate government representative. "I am fully responsible for the mistake and I will do my best to help the men remove their tattoos,'' Sawiyono was quoted as saying.

Indonesian police say that the tattoo incident was the third hoax of its kind to have been pulled recently.

read more HERE.

ever wonder why geishas walk...

...with those tiny little steps?

click here to download the vid and you'll know

party @ the aussie v8 supercar championships...

you're pretty much guaranteed to be the hit of the party if you show up with one of these anywhere!!!



The ultimate attraction for both beer and car lovers, the XXXX Gold Retreat is a huge B Double truck 20.7m long x 8.3m wide and 8.2m high that turns into a two-level bar. The Gold Retreat can be found around the V8 Supercars Championship Series. Attractions include the XXXX Angels and interviews and autographs from the XXXX Gold Ambassadors (Garth Tander, Jamie Whincup, Mark Winterbottom and Greg Murphy).

hilarious!!!

a one in a million shot...and not for the upskirt...look again!

now that's one heavy load...

any heavier and it'd capsize!

next time, don't swallow...

...any seawater....you never know what's in it!

alamak!

shackkkkkk

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ……

“Hands off’ she said,”’they’re for the funeral.”

last smile

...by Love Psychedelico...lurve it!

read more about them HERE.

memories of the Blue Album...

...by David Tao ( 陶喆)

3 of my fave songs from him...

yep, she's truly a dumb one...

...but not blond anymore though

A Connecticut judge has given the brush-off to a blonde woman's lawsuit claiming L'Oreal Inc. ruined her social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette with one of its products.

Charlotte Feeney of Stratford says she can never return to her natural blonde hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants. She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blondes receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time.

A Superior Court judge dismissed Feeney's 2005 lawsuit, saying she never proved her allegation that L'Oreal put brown hair dye in a box labeled as blonde. The company also had disputed the claim.

article HERE.

you gotta be KIDding me, right?

wonder if he's really a man...any red-blooded man wakes up with a woman gyrating on top of him would in all likelihood give in...what a load of horsecrap...the bugger's just trying to avoid child support, i tell you!

A Canadian man alleges he was asleep when a woman had sex with him and became pregnant. The man, from Tyndall, northwest of Winnipeg, is suing the Selkirk woman for mental distress and anxiety caused by the fact that he may be forced to pay child support under Canadian law.

In a lawsuit filed in Manitoba Court of Queen's Bench, the man said he was visiting the woman in October or November 2006 when he woke up to find the woman having sex with him. The man claims the woman stopped when he "demanded that she cease and desist," but about nine months later gave birth to his child.

read more HERE.

have a bit of self-control!

blardy little horny twat!

what's that again??!??

i dunno man, i wouldn't wanna be driving around in a car with these words on them...no sirree!

hell in hell...

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil …

Satan: ‘Why so glum?’
Guy: ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’
Satan: ‘Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?’
Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.’
Satan: ‘Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.’
Guy: ‘Gee that sounds great!’
Satan: ‘You a smoker?’
Guy: ‘You better believe it’
Satan: ‘All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?’
Guy: ‘Wow … that’s awesome!’
Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.’
Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.’
Satan: ‘Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.’
Guy: ‘Cool!’
Satan: ‘What about drugs?’
Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean …?’
Satan: ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.’
Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!’
Satan: ‘You gay?’
Guy: ‘No…’
Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

big one

..."no darling, i'm just having one beer before i drive home...don't worry..."

left unsaid, "i didn't mention how BIG that beer was going to be..."

like it's gonna make an iota of difference...

...what the frack were they thinking?

darwinism at work

...so they weed themselves out eh? stupid people...

siamese twins fish...huh??

man, even fish can be conjoined???



Siamese twin fish conjoined at the stomach

It is so rare that you would think Siamese twin fish attached at the stomach would never survive. But at eight months old, these two Nile Tilapia fish in Thailand have found the perfect way to cope with life upside down ... or the right way up if you're the lucky twin. The bigger fish protects its smaller sibling on the bottom, while it in turn looks for food.

read more HERE.

blimey....base-jumpers rejoice!

that's one blardy big phallic-symbol!

Dubai, emirate of extravagance and superlatives, laid claim to an extraordinary new record yesterday with a multibillion dollar plan to build the world's tallest tower in the face of deepening global financial gloom.

The tower, at the centre of the Nakheel port and harbour complex, is to be "over one kilometre" high and have more than 200 floors, beating its nearest rival, the existing Burj Dubai tower, still under construction and due to rise to a mere 818 metres.

"At more than a kilometre high this is an unbelievably groundbreaking design," boasted Chris O'Donnell, Nakheel's Australian CEO. "We are pushing the boundaries of sustainable design."

The complex will provide homes and offices for 100,000 people. If all the reinforcing bars were laid end to end they would stretch from Dubai to New York - one quarter of the way round the world.

The tower will be so tall that it will have five different micro-climates.

The temperature in the atmosphere at the top of the building could be as much as 10 degrees cooler than at the bottom. High-speed lifts will allow people to see the sunset twice - from the bottom and again from the top of the building.

read more HERE.

times must be really bad...

...if even monkeys have to slog to make a living



Owners of the Japanese tavern Kayabukiya, just north of Tokyo, employs a pair of Japanese monkeys called Yat-chan and Fuku-chan to serve their customers.

The younger of the two, Fuku-chan, usually begins the first shift and is quick to hand out customers a hot towel to help them clean their hands before they order their first drinks.

Fuku-chan, who is four, has only two years experience under his furry belt and his work load is limited to hot towels.

Both monkeys are well appreciated by customers who tip them with boiled soya-beans to enjoy during their down time.

read more HERE.