chuck norris is one tuff dude

1. There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer, Chuck Norris is always in control.
2. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
3. If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
4. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
5. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
6. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
7. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
8. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
9. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
10. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
11. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
12. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
13. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
14. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
17. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
18. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
19. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
20. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
21. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
22. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
23. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
24. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
25. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
26. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
27. Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
28. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
29. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
30. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
31. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
32. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
33. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
34. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.