swift oneliners from tom

* “I dropped my toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen.
* “Only one of my speakers works!” Tom said, monotonously.
* “I have a split personality,” Tom said, being frank.
* “My wrists are bleeding stumps,” Tom said offhandedly.
* “The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium,” Tom said halfheartedly.
* “That is one ugly hippopotamus,” Tom said hypocritically.
* “This is what happens when you mix an acid and a base,” Tom said neutrally.
* “..—-..-….” said Tom, remorsefully.
* “A word that contains all five vowels? And I suppose you want those vowels to appear in alphabetical order?” asked Tom facetiously.
* “I am standing up”, Tom lied.
* “I think I’m a homosexual”, Tom said, half in earnest.
* “Someone stole all the twos from this deck of cards,” Tom deduced.
* “I knocked down the rest of the pins on my second try,” Tom said sparingly.
* “I’m going to sleep over there,” Tom lied.
* “I disagree. Fences need to be secured to something every fifteen feet or so, check out my website for an example,” Tom posted.
* “I really want to hear ‘It’s Not Unusual’ right now,” Tom jonesed.
* “That show would be a lot better without Ross’s sister,” said Tom, demonically.\
* “I feel like having sex for money,” Tom said horribly.
* “I forgot to mark down which groceries to buy,” Tom said listlessly.
* “I used to be Elvis, you know,” said Tom, expressly.
* “Bingo!” Tom cried benignly.
* “I think all I need is some condiments to make the perfect hotdog” Tom said with some relish
* “For the first time in your life, I feel really clean”, Tom said zestfully
* “I have a candy bar” Tom snickered.
* “This isn’t my prime rib,” Tom said mistakenly.
* “Sea World wasn’t the same without them,” Tom sighed purposelessly.
* “I’m missing of my flowers!” claimed Jane lackadaisically
* “Bring me a large serving of frozen dairy desert!” I screamed.
* “3.142,” Tom said piously.
* “Here’s looking at you,” I bawled.
* “Merry-go-rounds make me sick!” said Tom, in a roundabout manner
* The train derailed said Tom distractedly.
* “But I’m sure I left it on the kitchen work surface” countered Tom.
* “I just punched Mel Gibson in the face!” Tom said starstruck.
* ”Guilty as charged!” Tom said with conviction.
* “Tuna is 50 cents a pound” said Tom selfishly.
* “I am passing a kidney stone.” Tom said painfully.
* “I want a hot dog,” said Tom, frankly.
* “It’s hard to think up puns,” Tom said thoughtfully.
* “This food has no flavor!” Tom said, with distaste
* “Who left the toilet seat down?” Tom asked peevishly.
* “I might as well be dead,” Tom croaked.
* “Only one of my speakers works!” Tom said, monotonously.
* “They had to amputate them both at the ankles,” Tom said defeatedly.

fabulous!!!