disclaimer - anyone taking offense, please look for the originator of the jokes...it ain't me...
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Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?"
Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.
Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.
The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?"
The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."
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A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319.
The man walked into the room and met the lady of the evening. He told her why he was there, so she gave him a few pointers and then told him to go for it.
So, the man began performing oral sex and he was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. A couple of minutes into the deed, he felt something in his mouth. He spit it into his hand and found a piece of carrot.
"Oh man, that's nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing and continued.
A couple of minutes later, he came up with a pea.
"Damn, can't take much more of this. There's something wrong with this bitch." But again, he said nothing and gave it one more shot.
A couple of minutes later, he came up with a piece of chicken. He couldn't stand it any longer.
"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"
"That's funny," remarked the hooker, "that's what the last guy did."
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A little boy was walking down the street and he found a condom, which he thought was a "twinkie" He picked it up. A second or two later a teenage boy ran up to him and said,"I'll give ya a buck for that thang in your hand!"
The little boy quickly obliged. When he got home he asked his mom to take him to the store because he had money. His mom asked him where he got the money.
He said: "I found a twinkie and sold it to a boy, but I got the best of the deal. I had already sucked the cream filling out of it!"
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After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse.
He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.
He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.
Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
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Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a 20$. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
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This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there,
"Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"
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A man is driving out in the middle of the woods during a rainstorm. His car breaks down, and the inly house around is a giant mansion on top of a hill, so he goes up and knocks on the door. A little chinese man answers the door, and asks if everything is ok. The man describes his problem, but the chinese man says the phone lines are down, but he is welcome to stay until morning, but only under 1 condition, he can't sleep with the chinese man's daughter.
The guy thinks, no problem, how hard could it be? He walks in, and immediately, all he can think about is sex, because this girl is so beautiful. She def likes him and starts flirting right away. That night the chinese man walks him to his room, just accross the hall from his daughter's room. He reminds him again to stay away from his daughter, or he will inflict the 3 ancient chinese tortures on him.
Of course, the man thinks nothing of these "tortures" and goes into the daughter's bedroom to find her naked, waiting for him. It is the greatest day of his life! So, afte they are done, he sneeks back in to his room and goes to sleep.
He wakes up the next morning, and there is a 100 lbs boulder on his chest with a sticky note attached to it. The sticky note reads, "ancient chinese torture #1 - Boulder on chest"
He laughs at how dumb this chinese thing was, so he carries the boulder over to the window, and throws it out, off of the third floor. While the boulder is falling, he looks to his left, and on the window sill is another sticky note. This one reads, "Ancient Chinese Torture #2 - Left testicle tied to boulder"
He freaks out, and immediately jumps out the window, happier to break his legs than lose a nut. While he is falling, he finds another sticky note floating down next to him on the string from the boulder to his nut. This one reads, "Ancient Chinese Torture #3 - Right testicle tied to bed post"
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Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive.
One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow.
"Mr. Brown," she said, "We are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal."
Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.
The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the newspaper.
The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he looks up and says, "Oh girls, you should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day."
All at once the girls get up and head for the door.
"Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"
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There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.
He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up with red, green & yellow with feathers.
The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin'at, eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?"
"Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son.
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A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."
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