problematic poopers

hilarious!!!

The 11 Most Uncomfortable Times To Have To Poop

1) At Your In-Laws’/Girlfriend’s Parents’ House. These people think you suck as it is, nothing quite like endearing yourself a little further by destroying their powder room with a shit of epic proportions.

2) While Getting a Massage. As if it’s not bad enough sidestepping the erection land mine, having to explain to the nice lady (yes, always a lady) who doesn’t speak much English — but is willing to touch your hairy back — that you’ve got a case of crippling diarrhea is all kinds of uncomfortable.

3) On a Charter Bus to a Date Function. We ran across this more in college. The combination of assorted booze, chicks you want to impress, a thinly veiled bathroom, and your buddies’ willingness to hurl you under the bus makes this an experience you’ll want to forget.

4) During a Job Interview. It’s surprisingly difficult to answer questions about where you see yourself in five years when a turtle is trying to poke his head out. Just one of the many reasons it took Booth so long to find gainful employment.

5) When Passed Out Drunk on a Friend’s Couch. You wake up, it’s dark. You don’t know where you are or how you got there or where the fuck they hide the toilet. The only thing you know for sure is you’re about to crap yourself. And then you do, in fact, crap yourself.

6) On the Subway. In a metal tube under the earth surrounded by a bunch of people who probably don’t have qualms with pooping on a train is pretty GD uncomfortable. Is it hot in here to anyone else? Is the ride always this bumpy? Is there a Gap at this next stop?

7) While at Third Base. And we’re not talking baseball. On the other hand, this is a tremendous way to end a relationship.

8 ) On a Road Trip. Not only are you the asshole causing frequent stops, you’re also the asshole who gets to explore the darkest regions of truck-stop restrooms. At the end of this experience you’re begging for someone to use one of those Men in Black mind erasers on you.

9) When You’re a Groomsman. Standing, lots of standing. In front of lots of people. In a monkey suit. Why is it so fucking bright in here? How long is it going to take those bitches to walk down the aisle? Will anyone notice if I lose the cummerbund?

10) On a First Date. You can usually get away with one poop on a first date, but if it becomes a recurring theme there only so many cell phone calls you can fake having to take before things get weird.

11) When Two Other Guys Are Already Taking Shits. There may not be a worse feeling this side of prison rape than rushing into your office’s three stall bathroom and finding the two outer toilets already occupied by fat dudes taking dumps as equally ferocious as the one your about to take.